First thank you all who have been so patient with me, I know I went from posting a ton of stuff to barely posting anything, maybe once in a few months... and I'll try to work on that, I really will, but it might not be writing. Then again it might be small one shots because of how I'm feeling. We'll see, I'm planning on having a few marathons to try to help me through this... First one will be a Hiddle's marathon or possibly musical marathon, we'll see come wednesday, which means I can start work on coloring things.
I'm planning to start up my old stories (Fated Wings and Bloody Battle) so I'll be doing a lot of character development and will probably be asking you guys for opinions (there's a lot of work that needs to be done)
There will also be a lot of posts from the role plays we've been working on, meaning I will also be getting the pages from the rps ready to post (something that will take forever with how many rps we've done in the past three years)
Work has been draining, worked six days straight (I know people do more but dang it, I like a day in between, especially since I've done it several times recently)
So... anyone who's read the last journal knows that things have been rough through June, not sure how much everyone knows so I'll share the basics. Second day of the month my brother crashed his car and more or less totaled it. Yup, I don't even remember how many times he's done this but this is like... his seventh car now? I've never even had a license (my choice, nothing else (fear)) and so I've never had a car, and I can't even imagine having seven since the mid 90's. So that drama lasted for about two weeks, followed by my best friend graduating college. Awesome, right? I spent the whole weekend with her so it was a nice change of pace from work and dealing with his stupidity. Afterwards I had two days of work then a day off, which was nice, but... that tuesday I got texts from friends asking if another of my best friends, Alex, was actually dead since one of the others had gotten in contact with them. I hadn't heard anything so I didn't know, I messaged the woman who I knew would know and she confirmed it, Alex was dead...
I was on a register when I got the message so I rang up a lady quickly and then started crying as I gave her her change, so I went and told someone from front end that I couldn't keep going and spent 15-30 minutes in the back crying in the bathroom before finally going home. That saturday was the memorial so Brad and I went together and spent the rest of the day at the mall... needless to say it's been rough.
And I've realized something: There's never going to be a day, week, or moth that I'm not going to cry because of this. It's not going to change over time, I will always have this hallow feeling, and it's only getting harder as time goes on.
Things might have been easier if I had a life partner but I don't, so I really want to get a pet, something probably small that I can keep in my room so Mom won't have to worry about it (don't get me wrong I'd love a dog or even a cat but that's not an option at this time) What would be a good idea?
Things... have been even harder knowing that I'm probably not going to be the first person in the life of my friends (except Brad, I know we'll both drop everything for each other), but... my mom pointed out things that I've known for far longer than she's said. Most of my friends wouldn't have known when my birthday was had I not put it back on Facebook. Even though I've given gifts for christmas, birthdays, and special occasions I rarely get things in return. Not that I have a problem with that or anything, but it would be nice to get something every once in a while, just so I know I'm not just someone to turn to if they needed something or just to be there if they need me. I don't know... things are just... do I mean something to anyone?
I know now that I will never be the same, that when I go to the movies, or hear a song, or see something that brings back memories I'll most likely cry. I haven't really stopped crying, honestly, and most likely going to the movies or going to a convention I will break down and start crying for apparently no reason, or at least that's how it will look to those who don't know me. And I'm going to have to live with that, and all the other feelings of hopelessness, despair, emptiness, and a crushing feeling of not being loved (even if I really am)
So now it's off to sleep, for another day of watching peoples lives in snippets of moments as I ring up their purchases, wondering if anyone will ever see past my mask and to my terribly alone soul